Jesus’s birthday is coming up. And you know what he wants for his birthday? Nothing more than for you lose weight and become more attractive. As C.S. Lovett helpfully explains in his 1979 book, Help Lord … The Devil Wants Me Fat!, there’s a simple way to not be so fat: stop eating. Just completely stop. See, it’s not hunger that causes you to eat delicious holiday treats, it’s Satan.
Maybe that seems extreme to you. What about clean, natural, whole foods in their purest forms? you might ask. I eat a raw, macrobiotic, vegan diet, and I feel fantastic, you say. Yap, yap, yap. All I hear is Satan telling filthy lies.
Not convinced? People who own the book and have followed the instructed fast simply rave about it!
This book has to be one of the greatest books written concerning weight loss and how to tear down strongholds that the enemy has built in one's mind by causing one to overeat. By putting thoughts in one's mind to eat when one is not really hungry, the devil deceives unsuspecting Christians by the bondage caused by overeating and not being able to serve the Lord, as one would if he was in better shape. (I didn't word that right but you will understand what I mean if you will buy the book.) … [A]fter reading the book I fasted for 11 complete days and there was nothing to it.
—Ndubusi, on Amazon
Some readers feel so passionately about how this book has changed their lives that they even blog about it on SparkPeople.
Most do not think of overeating as a sin but it's the devil's way of getting control of otherwise good Christians who would never think of sinning in other ways, to destroy themselves, bite by bite. It really doesn't matter whether we are bound by drugs, sex or money, the chains still chain us. In reality it wouldn't matter if we were bound by rope, iron or real chains, if we're bound, we're bound…When you look at it as a battle with Satan, it perks up your soul and helps you to determine not to let him win anymore.
Lovett and his wife, Linda, who did the book’s illustrations, encourage you to win your battle with the devil by thinking of your brain (soul?) as a computer that you can program with visualization. Like this:
Like any war with dark forces, this one will require constant vigilance. Much like Santa Claus, Lucifer sees you and what you eat not just when you are awake, but even when you are sleeping.
So now our plan is in place. Let’s make Jesus happy and stick to our inevitable New Year’s resolutions. Just remember, if you break this diet, there's more at stake than skinny jeans and self esteem. There is your immortal soul.
Merry Christmas!
Previously: Looking Pretty for the Holidays.
Twice within four days, my name has popped up in the Bush-era secret cables uncovered by WikiLeaks. Lucky me. Though nowhere near as earth-shattering as the uncovering of American misdeeds in Iraq and Afghanistan, these classified cables provide a stunning and bizarre peek into the paranoid minds of the Bush White House when it came to the subject of one Michael Francis Moore.
And considering how WikiLeaks has released only 1,826 cables of its planned drop of 251,287 -- and I've already played a starring role twice -- I can only say I await with bemused anticipation how the moi-storyline will play itself out.
The most recent secret cable revelation is in today's Guardian newspaper of London. It's entitled, "US Intervened in Michael Moore NZ Screening." Oh yeah, baby! New Zealand! That's where we'll stop Moore and his band of evildoers!
The date was July 30, 2004. Fahrenheit 9/11 was already a huge hit in the United States. Just to give you an idea how huge, it had hit #1 at the box office, the only documentary to have ever accomplished this feat, and had made more on its opening weekend than Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
But it was no easy path to get there. Disney (which owned Miramax) was apoplectic when they saw the final cut. So they pulled the film from its theatrical schedule. Then they put a permanent block on its release, ensuring no one would see it. But then the New York Times, in a front page story, reported that the real reason Disney hated Fahrenheit was they were worried about the tax breaks it got in Jeb Bush's Florida for Disney World. This caused some embarrassment, so Disney then sold Fahrenheit to the Weinstein Bros., who said they'd spend their own money to distribute it.
The release of the film caused concern at the White House, as this was the reelection year. They hired a pollster who told them the film might tip the election. That was enough for them to swing into action. Much of July was a nonstop barrage of attacks on me and the movie. But that just resulted in more tickets being sold.
Which brings us to Wellington, the capital of New Zealand. There are few nations on earth further away from us. A local chapter of the ruling Labor Party apparently had decided to do a fundraising screening of Fahrenheit 9/11. It was to be hosted by the Prime Minister's Cabinet Secretary for the Environment.
Well, when the U.S. Embassy in Wellington got word of this, it was like all heck broke loose. America was offended! Phone calls were made to the Prime Minister! Then to the Cabinet Secretary! We... are... not... happy!
Apparently, the Kiwis backed down and the Cabinet Secretary withdrew as the host. A sigh of relief whiffed its way through the American embassy. Moore stopped! The cable back to Washington showed the embassy had no problem taking credit for putting the kabosh on yours truly:
... it is probable that this potential fiasco may only have been averted because of our phone calls -- it is apparent to us that neither the Minister nor anyone else in the Labour government seems to have thought there was anything wrong with a senior Minister hosting such an event.
So here's my question:
Really?
I mean, seriously -- really? This is how the Bush State Department was spending its time -- on a single screening of Fahrenheit 9/11 in freakin' New Zealand? Or maybe... was this kind of interference happening just to New Zealand? Call me crazy, but I gotta feelin' it doesn't stop there. Just as a health insurance executive has now come forward as a whistleblower to reveal the millions spent to smear Sicko, I can't wait for the day when the whistleblower from the Bush White House comes forward to tell the fascinating tale of how the Bush team believed they had to do something -- anything -- to stop Fahrenheit. Or worse (like the "Plan B" the health insurance companies discussed -- to "push Michael Moore off a cliff."). I didn't want to think about what the Bush Plan B would be. Just wasn't worth the crazy-making. So I ignored the things I'd hear, kept my head down and motored on.
But, it does make you wonder. And I ask you, is it fair to pose the question: If they were this focused on some insignificant screening in New Zealand, what else were they up to? And I don't mean in regards to me. I mean anyone who was on their enemies list...
I can't wait to read more classified cables.
P.S. Of course, given the false claims the State Department made in the other "secret" cable about my movie Sicko, I guess anything was possible.
P.P.S. Don't miss the REAL revelations from just the first batch of WikiLeaks cables. For instance, the Obama administration worked together with Republicans to kill an investigation by Spain into Bush's torture. Pfizer hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on the attorney general of Nigeria. Bush's ambassador to France planned to "retaliate" against the country for standing up to Monsanto. And we're less than 1 percent of the way through ...
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Keith Olbermann: 'Fox <b>News</b> Is 100% Bullshit'
Keith Olbermann is anything but hesitant when it comes to a battle with Fox News, and the MSNBC anchor took to Twitter Wednesday to share his views on the TV network he probably wouldn't even call a rival. "Fox News is 100% bullshit," ...
Good <b>news</b>: School officials destroy girl's college plans over <b>...</b>
Good news: School officials destroy girl's college plans over knife mix-up.
No, Snooki Will Not Be Dropping in a Ball in Times Square on New <b>...</b>
New York City to Snooki: fuhgeddaboudit. MTV wanted.
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